“Some people hate the thought of being alone. I’m not like that. I love my solitude. I’m kind to myself. My feelings don’t get hurt. My energy’s not leeched. And it’s very peaceful.”
— Unknown
i was mean, there’s no other way to say it, but oh was i loving! i made you feel inadequate; not good enough, but perfection was right in front of me. i was cruel, but can you not see i’ve changed! i am full of love! i stayed up all those nights, glueing pieces back together, i would not let you break me! i worked so hard! i became a better person, and you still talk bad on my name! my name! i was full of rage growing up in this home, i am sorry you met me when i was 15, but you gave my love a home. i was not a terrible person; i did not know how to love.
but i promise you that is all i am now, and i only want to give it to you.
if you loved me as much as i loved you, you’d have to be thinking about me too.
i hope you are
i don’t remember the younger me
nothing remains but photographs
with no emotion attached.
has that much happened
that my brain wanted to forget?
i wonder if you remember
the younger me,
i remember the younger you,
so please come back,
just to remind me of me?
and stay a little while after?
i hope you find me in the dark corners of your mind,
at least that’s something.
i hope you find me in songs, i find you in plenty.
i find you in faces
i probably scare the strangers i stare at that look like you
i find you in laughs, i find you in the smallest details,
perhaps i find you everywhere
so i’m left wondering if your mind does the same.
i find you in my dreams,
i sleep in on those mornings
just for a few more moments with you,
left wondering if your mind does the same.
the worst part was forgetting
part of me didn’t want to let go
but slowly your voice faded,
then your laugh and i knew
sooner or later you’d be gone.
i go check photographs so your face
at least remains a foggy memory,
what am i meant to do with these emotions?
this love cannot simply disappear,
instead it makes a home of me,
buried itself deep inside
to always serve as a reminder of you.
i don’t miss you anymore but it still hurts
i fear no one will love me the way i love
possibly because i cannot explain it,
but there has to be someone out there
with this desire to love with everything they have.
it is as if that is all i am made of
so full of it i overflow
but,
how painful it is to overflow
and drown in what made you.
all i ask is to let me drown in you,
rehydrate me, because you want to,
give me what i have been begging to get back,
love.
i think the thing is, no one’s going to really get to know you, inside and out. that’s what i’ve always told myself, i’m far too complex for anyone to want to get to know. my mind is always thinking, no one has ever wanted to listen, sit and pay attention to what comes out.
no one has ever listened to me, understood me.
i crave to be understood.
Random Thing I Wrote (Part 4)
To the boy I used to love.
I usually don’t think about you anymore, but when I do you still hit me in the gut. It scares me when I realize that I can barely remember anything about you. The way you used to smile when you were talking about something you love. The way that you always tried to hear my voice. The way that you liked seeing me flustered just so that you could always see a different side of me that you hadn’t seen before. I’m scared to think how much more I will forget you in a year’s time.
I can hardly remember why I broke things up with you. Even the emotions are mixed up. I never really knew what love was, but then I look at your messages and realize that you didn’t either.
this was on my original blog (trustmeifyoudare) but i’m moving all of my writing to this blog. cheers
need to sleep but i’m not tired and all i can do is sit and write and try to feel anything other than sorrow and sinking further and further into my bed as my soul feels like it’s being ripped out of my cavernous chest over and over again all the while you are off away in your own place, your own bed, your own world, and i cannot breathe wondering if you wonder about me too sometimes
the way it hurt to lose you is the way i self destruct. my stomach is empty and tearing at my insides begging for a parcel of you but you have been gone for some time now so i starve myself because all i can stomach is the thought of you. the thought of your lips on my cheek and your hands on my hips and your love on my heart. that is gone now. so i laugh and i sing and i cry and i cry and i cry.
i miss you, oh god how i miss you. sleepless nights with you felt like the most peaceful slumber because when i had you i needed nothing else. you were my life you were my energy you were my muse and now i find it hard to express myself at all. the way it made me feel when we agreed it was over is nothing i had ever felt before. i could feel the cells in my body exploding one by one. i could feel the blood in my veins slowing to a stop. i could feel the ocean of tears coming to wipe out nations of strong emotion from my weary eyes. it came. and it went. and here i am. and there you are.
and i wonder.
do you think about me sometimes?
do you miss me too?
do you regret the fights, and the fire, and the anger?
do you regret me?
…
i have been dreaming of you coming home to me.
but there is no home.
and there is no you.